Sunday, February 27, 2011

A Streetparker's Oscar picks

You may want to hold off on that Oscar pool. parallespaces has the most likely winners, in the most important categories, right here. So, with no more delay:

For Best Acting Bernie Madoff edges out Mayor Bloomberg in this one although hizzoner’s artful gesturing with a few snow plows almost made his harsh restoring of Alt Side rules in the impossible Winter conditions believeable. But Bloomberg only reaped hundreds of thousands of dollars and some of it probably went to good use.

Best Supporting Actress Jada Khan handily defeats all comers for her Transportation department’s “I want to be left alone.” When asked by the NY Times where the next traffic pattern change and reduction of parking spaces was going to occur, they refused to answer. She is a public official and her public works/tax supported department managed to get the Times to accept her silence. Very convincing.

Best Actress goes to Anne Hathaway. I know she’s not up for an Oscar but, let’s face it, she’s hot and is rumored to have mad parking skills,

Best Supporting Actor goes to the second major Winter storm of this season. The first storm gave us weeks of suspended alternate side parking, but the second really carried the story to a blissful 6 weeks of virtually never having to move your car. Very poignant.

Best Directing goes to Mayor Bloomberg for directing the most orchestrated revenge drama against the car owners of this great city who a few years back, along with torrid media coverage, forced him to back down when he called them whiners. Since that fateful, day, he has attempted a disorganized (and failed) congestion pricing tax for drivers, forced through numerous bike lanes that reduce parking, congest traffic, and probably deal a decisive blow against our already traffic slowed bus system.

Best Film goes to those so believable Red Light snapshots that the city likes to boast are from state of the art cameras placed at the most dangerous intersections around the city. Those pictures are worth a thousand words and they can’t lie, right? Actually, they have been proven to lie in many cities across the country and have been outlawed in some states for that reason. The most effective technique is the shortening of Yellow lights. Unfortunately, a study of the duration of Yellow lights where these cameras are placed is not possible. When these “most dangerous” locations for these cameras was requested in a Freedom of Information request, the DOT refused citing the legal exception that they were part of an “ongoing investigation.”

Screenplay: Those bright orange winter storm assessments on your windscreen take this one, although the arch villain who closed bus stops but masterminded the writing of tickets for parking in those closed stops was some pretty good villainy and does get honorable mention.

Best Documentary goes to Inception for its fearless investigative journalism into the dream within a dream within a nightmare reality that perfectly captures the experience of parking in this city.

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