Sunday, March 21, 2010

Alternate Side Parking Suspended Forever!

          OK, not exactly forever, but this week we are heading into a such a rare harmony of Alternate Side Parking Suspended days and other OFF days that, barring the usual unexpected street construction, movie truck monopoly, and last minute rescheduling of major religious holidays, we do not have to move the car from Monday March 29 to Thursday April 8! This is truly a great time to be alive. It is a wondrous miracle of Spring. It is as if the Moon and the Sun were joined, as if the ebony keys and the ivory keys will be struck all together in one glorious celestial symphony. Such an eclipse of NYC parking rules is so rare that for it to occur again in our lifetime the stars would have to realign, the mountains would have to fall, 10,000 ages would have to come and go… OK, I don’t know exactly, but we will tell our grandchildren of this day. (For calendar questions, see a quick overview for all the suspended dates.)

(apologies to anyone unlucky enough to have Sat or Wed street cleaning, or those pesky meters, but you still have two nice stretches during this period)

          For many of us, we are looking at a magnificent 10 days! 10 unconditional days without government mandated traffic congestion; 10 carefree days without reddened, rubber necked searching; 10 blessed days with more time to spend with our friends and family, enjoy the warmth of Spring, find more tax deductions. 13, count em, 13 days without moving if you park the car on Fri 3/26! Say goodbye to our religious differences! This kind of Peace On Earth can only be achieved with the sacred songs of Christians and Jews. This pouring in of good vibrations from the cosmos is not just an old 60s feel good, New York high, it is a symbol of what is possible when all the voices of the world unite!
          This once-in-a-lifetime solar phenomenon can only be viewed with the naked eye. And you have more free time to see it! So when you are out on the street during this 10-day weekend be sure to have a look around. See what life in the suburbs is like with the same cars next door every day. See your neighbors walking hand and hand down the avenue and consider how they got that little extra Spring in their step. Notice the fresher air. Appreciate that you are in a moment like no other you will ever experience in your life.
          And now, a moment of silence for these most reverent Holidays:
                Passover (1st/2nd Days) Mar 30-31, Tue-Wed
                Holy Thursday Apr 1, Thu
                Holy Thursday (Orthodox) Apr 1, Thu
                Good Friday Apr 2, Fri
                Good Friday (Orthodox) Apr 2, Fri
                Passover (7th/8th Days) Apr 5-6, Mon-Tue
          Thank you Gods everywhere.

          Epilogue
          Reality check! This will also be 10 days without street cleaning and, as annoying as it is for those of us who daily move our cars back and forth like a perpetual musical chairs but without the music, street cleaning is a necessary part of our life. However, one thing that could make it a little less necessary is if we could all just take a moment to STOP LITTERING! You heard me. Why can’t everybody (and you know who you are) take an extra moment to find a trash can when they need it? I mean really, why is anybody out there still throwing garbage on the street? We’ve had 40 years to get the littering messes up everybody’s space, is bad for the environment, teaches our children sloth message. What possible excuse can you have?
          I say make littering a Quality of Life Crime. Let’s go after it like we went after graffiti and noise. It’s time to start taxing those selfish, lazy, slippery fingered slackers. With the first year’s ticketing revenue, we could cure the deficit, the federal deficit I mean. Please feel free to email Mayor Bloomberg with this suggestion @ Contact the Mayor.
          I have.

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